Is It OK to Fantasise About Something I Don’t Want in Real Life?

Written By Chelsea Featonby
A purple transit-style van sits alone in a dimly lit, empty car park at night. Soft violet lighting casts shadows across the van and asphalt, creating a moody, cinematic atmosphere.

You fantasise about being overpowered, used, humiliated, or worshipped. Maybe it’s violent. Maybe it’s taboo. Maybe it turns you on so much you can’t stop thinking about it.

But if it actually happened? You’d probably cry. Panic. Feel completely unsafe.

So… does that mean something’s wrong with you?

Not at all.

There’s a massive difference between what turns you on in your mind and what you want in your life and we’re going to break down exactly why that’s not just OK, it’s human.

Fantasies Are Playgrounds, Not Blueprints

Fantasies let you explore scenarios you’d never choose in reality. They’re where your brain gets to colour outside the lines without any real risk.

Your mind might crave:

  • CNC (Consensual Non-Consent)

  • Incest play

  • Cheating fantasies

  • Public exposure

  • Extreme humiliation

  • Objectification

None of that means you want to be assaulted, cheat on your partner, or actually lose control of your body. It just means your arousal system is complex and tuned into sensation, power, taboo, and adrenaline.

Need proof? Studies like this one from the Archives of Sexual Behavior found that over 62% of women have fantasised about being forced yet the overwhelming majority have no desire to experience that in real life (source).

Why Does This Happen?

Because fantasy works on emotion, not logistics.

Fantasies tap into:

  • Adrenaline: The high of danger without the risk

  • Power reversal: Being totally in control of being out of control

  • Shame release: Playing with the things we’re “not supposed to like”

  • Curiosity: Wondering how something might feel, with zero consequences

  • Escapism: A mental space where no one judges and everything is allowed

When you fantasise, your brain doesn’t need consent paperwork or exit strategies. It just needs to feel something.

You can read more about the blurred line between fear, control, and trust in our post on consensual non-consent.

Does This Mean I’m Secretly Broken?

Nope.

Having a dark or extreme fantasy doesn’t mean you’re mentally ill, traumatised, or unsafe. And it definitely doesn’t mean you’re secretly craving something awful to happen to you.

You’re wired for depth. For sensation. For internal chaos that gets released in the privacy of your own head.

Your brain knows the difference between play and reality. That’s what makes it a fantasy.

A confident woman stands smiling between two serious-looking men, all with arms crossed, posed against a violet background. Their contrasting expressions highlight bold group energy and playful tension.

What If the Fantasy Starts to Bother Me?

Sometimes we judge ourselves so hard for the things that turn us on that we start to spiral.

  • Why does this work for me?

  • What does it say about me?

  • Should I be worried?

If a fantasy starts to feel heavy, that doesn’t mean it’s bad. It might just mean you need more context, safety, or understanding.

This post on the psychology of pain and pleasure breaks down exactly how that wiring works — especially if your fantasies involve intensity, hurt, or power play.

How to Explore Safely, If You Want To

Some people never act on their fantasies and that’s perfect.

Others want to bring a light version into the bedroom. If that’s you, start with:

  • Fantasy dirty talk say it aloud, don’t act it out

  • Erotica or audio porn like a voyeur to your own desire

  • Scene planning with clear limits take control of the chaos

  • Play with identity, not action humiliation kink? Try praise play with a twist

Whatever you do, build it from a place of consent and curiosity. If it doesn’t feel good after, stop. Debrief. Revisit it when you're ready.

You can also check out our full guide to safe kink practices here.

You're Not Alone in Your Fantasy Life

You are not the only person turned on by things you’d never want in reality. You’re not broken, weird, or unsafe.

You're just human.

And if you want to understand your kink map better, take our Kink Quiz to explore the soft, spicy, and absolutely filthy layers that make you... you.

Got a question about a specific fantasy or want advice on whether to explore it? Submit anonymously here: https://iotk.fun/submit

Keep Exploring With Us

This is the kind of stuff we talk about every week, with no shame, no filter, and way too many inappropriate jokes.

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Chelsea Featonby
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