The Art of the Pre-Sex Debrief, No It’s Not a Mood Killer
There’s a moment before sex that no one talks about. The quiet before the storm. The part where you put your cards on the table and say, “Here’s what I like. Here’s what I don’t. Are you still in?”
We call it the Sexy Non Sexy Conversation. It’s not dirty talk. It’s not foreplay. It’s admin. But trust us, this is the conversation that leads to the best, most unforgettable sex of your life.
What Is the Sexy Non Sexy Conversation?
It’s the chat before sex where you lay out what turns you on, what doesn’t, and what you’re hoping for. It’s blunt. It’s honest. It’s the thing that makes sure no one gets surprised, disappointed, or hurt.
Think of it like a job interview for sex. You’re already getting the job, the contract is signed, but you’re making sure the terms are good for both of you.
And just like any good job, the benefits matter.
Why This Conversation Changes Everything
Here’s what happens when you talk before you fuck:
You feel safer
You feel more turned on
You don’t waste time guessing
You hit the right buttons faster
You get to hear what they’ve been dying to try
You’re not ruining the mystery. You’re turning the lights on. And what you see might be even hotter than what you imagined.
How to Start the Pre-Sex Debrief Without Killing the Mood
You don’t need a clipboard. You don’t need a five-part questionnaire. Try something like this:
“Before we get into it, want to talk turn-ons?”
“Anything you absolutely love? Anything you hate?”
“I like [insert filthy thing here] — what about you?”
“What’s a no-go for you?”
“Can I tell you something that really turns me on?”
Keep it casual, confident, and curious. You’re not confessing, you’re co-planning.
What You Should Always Cover
These aren’t optional. If you’re having sex, especially kinky sex, talk about:
Safe words and signals
Hard limits (what you absolutely do not want)
Soft limits (things you might want to explore slowly)
Preferred language (what you like being called, and what makes you cringe)
Health stuff (STI status, allergies, triggers, physical injuries)
Is it sexy? Not always. Is it necessary? Every damn time.
The Confidence to Say What You Don’t Like
This is where most people freeze. Saying “I don’t like that” can feel awkward, like you’re being difficult. You’re not.
You’re being honest. And honesty in bed? That’s hotter than fake moaning your way through something you secretly hate.
You don’t have to say it with attitude. Try:
“That’s not really my thing, but I’m open to…”
“Can we skip [insert act] and focus more on [insert turn-on]?”
“I’ve tried that before, and it didn’t work for me”
You’re allowed to have boundaries. Sexy people have preferences. Say them out loud.
Going Into Detail About What You Do Like
This is the part people skip, and it’s where the gold is.
It’s not enough to say “I like oral.” Do you like it soft? Sloppy? Tongue only? Pressure? Praise?
Tell them how to win. Tell them what makes your body sing. It’s not needy, it’s efficient.
Get specific. If they can’t handle that, they’re not ready to fuck you.
If You’re New to This, Practice Together
If you’ve never had a pre-sex debrief before, it might feel clunky. That’s okay. Say that.
“I’ve never really talked like this before, but I want to try”
“Can we figure it out together?”
“Let’s be honest, even if it’s awkward”
That awkwardness? It disappears the second they say “I’ve always wanted to try that too.” And suddenly, you’re both in new territory — together.
This Doesn’t Kill the Mood, It Builds It
You know what ruins sex? Not feeling safe. Not feeling heard. Guessing. Pretending. Holding back.
The sexy non sexy conversation kills all of that. It clears the air. It lays the groundwork. It turns “decent sex” into “holy fuck, tell me everything about that again.”
You Deserve to Be Understood, Not Just Touched
You’re not difficult. You’re not high-maintenance. You’re not ruining the vibe.
You’re someone with a body, a mind, and desires. And if someone wants to get close to you, they can handle a ten-minute conversation first.
And let’s be honest, it’ll probably turn them on too.